My Journey
My Journey
My life doesn’t seem all that unusual or dramatic compared to other peoples’ stories. That is, until I tell it and see or hear others’ responses to it. I’ll let you decide for yourself.
I’m swinging on the swing in our backyard, leaning into the push and expanding into the feeling of connectedness with the universe. Just as I’ve merged with the vastness of the blue sky, my mother’s voice interrupts the sacredness of the moment and in an instant I fall back into the drudgery of my childhood.
“Carol, come inside!!”
Born into a family where the belief system centered around powerlessness, punishment, and victimization, I learned early on that compliance and perfectionism were necessary for survival.
I lived much of my life feeling alone and misunderstood. I wondered how I could end up with a mother and father who felt more like prison wardens than loving parents. As I’ve healed my past, I realize how deeply they did care about me and my siblings, but as a child I didn’t feel valued, seen, heard or loved. Their over-protection felt like imprisonment. I know now that they did their best given how they were parented and socialized and I no longer feel resentful about it, but as a sensitive child, I could not comprehend their behavior and treatment. Little did I know then that they only mirrored what they experienced as children themselves.
Fear was the name of the game in my house. My dad had a short fuse, as did his father before him. My six siblings and I walked on eggshells in our immaculately clean and tidy adobe house that my father built with care. My mom ruled the roost along with him, keeping us in line as if we were little soldiers who needed to be commanded and controlled. The tools they used were manipulation via shame, guilt, and criticism. How we appeared to the outside world as it reflected on them as parents seemed more important than who we were as children. How could they have known to do things differently? They couldn’t.
“Always in and out of trouble, but mostly always in…”
I was a curious child, always wanting to experiment and explore, but everything I did seemed to get me into trouble. My dad nicknamed me “Little Lulu,” after a cartoon character who was “always in and out of trouble, but mostly always in” and my middle name is Lucia so it seemed appropriate. He said it lovingly and teasingly, but I felt the meaning of the term and owned it.
I felt that nothing I did was ever good enough. A report card that had all As but one B+ did not bring praise. Instead, my dad’s response was, “Why isn’t this B+ an A?” He expected perfection from us, just as his father did with him. Trying on lipstick at school in the 4th grade and going home with traces of it left on my lips brought “the belt,” as did other minor infractions. How could I know then that he did this in an effort to protect me?
The thing was, I never knew what the rules were because they didn’t make sense to me. Things that seemed innocuous were deemed “bad” and “shameful.” I learned to censor myself at a very early age. I put on a mask that I presented to the world. I learned to adapt to situations by being a chameleon - changing my responses and reactions depending on the situation and who I was with. Sometimes this can be a good thing, but not at the expense of authenticity. But I didn’t realize this until many, many years later.
I really had no idea who I was. I still recall the day my best friend and I decided we wanted to break off from the popular girl group we hung out with in the 6th grade. We broke the news to them at lunchtime in the cafeteria figuring it wasn't that big a deal - I mean, we weren't that important to them. So imagine now the typical mean girl scenario. Yep, the understanding/no big deal response we expected did not come. I don't recall what they said to my friend, but I'll never forget the words said to me that felt like I'd been struck by a venomous snake, “You’re just a lamb. You just do whatever anyone tells you to do. You’re a lamb.”
It was true, I was easily programmable. I did as I was told. I was programmed by my parents, by tradition, and religion. Everything I said, did, and believed was channeled through my parents’ filters - filters passed on for generations primarily based on religious dogma.
Connecting with my Higher Self.
I absolutely still believe in God (or the Divine Creator, Source, the Greater Light). I remember being taught early on in catechism (weekly religious “education”) that God was everywhere and even inside of us. That day I went home and asked my mom, “If God is everywhere, why do we have to go to church to pray? Why can’t we just talk to God wherever we are?” I don’t recall her response, but I knew inside that something wasn’t right about that. Still, I complied. I felt that I had no choice.
The truth is that I’ve never found God in church except maybe in song or in silence. I find God in nature, in the sky, and in beauty. I see God in people - in genuine acts of kindness, goodness, and compassion. I see God in animals and insects, in rocks and flowers. I believe that religions divide us, but God or Source connects us all.
The saving grace in my childhood was the apple orchard my family had. My dad cared for that orchard the same way he cared for us - it was pruned to perfection - those trees looked like something out of a storybook. They were my refuge. I would climb up a tree and stay there for as long as I could - sitting alone daydreaming or playing make-believe with my older sister. Those beautiful trees provided a temporary respite from housework and criticism. Those trees were magical and nourished me emotionally and spiritually.
Another refuge were the swings in our backyard. I’d gaze up at the sky and the clouds - knowing, but not knowing, that my true home was somewhere out there. I’d stay outside all day if I could but there was always housework waiting for me. I felt like Cinderella, like my only value was in keeping the house clean and being productive. I felt what mattered was how much external value I could bring to my family. Today I know what’s out there in that magnificent sky I marveled at whenever I could - but that will come later in this story.
“Toeing the line” became my modus operandi for the next 40+ years. Doing what I was told, doing what others said was best for me. Being nice. Accommodating. Behaving. People-pleasing. Looking good.
BEING FALSE.
That’s the way I always thought it should be…
First, this falseness was imposed on me, then I imposed it on myself. My innocent, naive Self paid the price for it. My mind, body, and spirit all hurt and I had no idea why I felt lost and confused. I only knew that it felt wrong but I didn’t know how to fix it. I felt broken, lost, and unworthy. I believed that it was me who needed fixing.
I did everything I thought I was “supposed” to do. I went to college and got a B.S., I got married at the age of 20 and was a mother of two by the time I was 25. My former husband moved us around the country three times in nine years (that’s another story) and I followed obediently until I got tired of moving and leaving all the friends I had made. I continually gave up opportunities for career advancements wherever we lived in order to keep the peace. Self-sacrifice was my other middle name. Although I was miserable, I didn’t even consider that I had the option to do anything differently.
Finding my way out.
I didn’t know at the time that we are attracted to - and are comfortable with - what is familiar. I married someone who, not long after we started our lives together, began criticizing me the same way my parents did, repeating the pattern laid down for generations before mine. The same way I criticized myself. And I had no idea I was so full of self-criticism. After all, I was doing my best to be perfect.
I didn’t want to hurt my former husband's feelings so I stayed in the marriage for 22 years. I knew even before we married that he wasn’t right for me, but I didn’t know how to back out once I committed to marrying him. He wasn’t a bad person, but back then the only “good” reasons to leave a marriage were infidelity and abuse. He didn’t cheat on me or beat me. He was a decent father. But he wasn’t present. He was living in his own world and I wasn't a part of it. Nor was he the loving person I thought I had married.
I’m not blaming him for the marriage breaking down as I’ve learned to take responsibility for my part in everything I do. I believe that I must have been as critical of him as I was of myself so I’m sure that it wasn’t a joy ride for him either. I’m fairly sure that I wasn't the person he thought he married either. But I'll never know because we never talked about it - we didn’t know ourselves and we didn’t know how to communicate any of this. However, it’s taken me many, many years to recognize this.
Finding my way back to my spiritual path.
I compensated and escaped the misery by eating sugar and floury foods. These substances numbed me enough to make life tolerable. I didn’t know that those foods were affecting my thinking. I did some crazy things while “under the influence” of flour and sugar. Yes, that is a thing, even without being an alcoholic. Sugar is a drug. This went on for several years until I became incredibly fatigued. I found that I was hypoglycemic and on my way to getting type II diabetes while still in my mid-30s. Luckily, I found a 12-step program that enabled me to stop eating sugar and flour and stay healthy.
This 12-step program led me into a wonderful spiritual path - a journey of self-discovery and empowerment. I learned that I was not alone on this path and that I could share my thoughts and feelings with others without being judged. I cried all the way through my first meeting and barely said a word. I remember thinking, “This is what unconditional acceptance feels like.” I felt awake and understood for the first time in my life.
Once my mind became clear, I could focus on self-examination and develop self-awareness. I took inventory of all the wrongs I believed were done to me, and acknowledged my part in them. I made amends to people. I kept journals and got daily insights. I made lifelong friends. But perhaps most importantly, I started learning to love and forgive myself. I started learning what self-care means.
However, I was still more than a little bit lost when it came to who I was. It was at that time that I was introduced to a spiritual teacher who helped guide me through the next stage of my life. He helped me rediscover and connect with my Higher Self who has always been with me, I just wasn’t aware of It. I realized that I am not here on this planet to change who I am - I am here to validate who I am and that I needed to be the one to do the validating. I had to unlearn the tools that I’d been using to force myself into being who others thought I should be.
I had been trying to “fix” myself. The tools I had to let go of were self-criticism, self-discipline, structure, planning, and logic. These tools are useful for many people but they were destructive for me as I used them to the extreme.
I learned that the tools that work best for me are self-love, self-care, self-trust, self-responsiveness, and integrity. These are the tools that help me grow. These tools still anchor me today. The challenge was to learn to change my mindset from the tools that no longer served me to the ones that were meant for me. It wasn't an easy task as it had been ingrained in me and I did it habitually every day. I didn't have the transformative tools I have today.
My first real move towards independence.
I eventually realized that I had to escape the marriage by becoming independent and self-supporting. Experience had taught me that I couldn’t rely on my husband. So, I went to grad school when my son and daughter were in junior high school. I really had no interest in business, but I went for an MBA because it seemed like the best route to independence at the time. I started by focusing on accounting, but soon found it was boring and non-intuitive so I switched to marketing and that allowed for my creative side to thrive. Grad school wasn’t easy, especially as a parent. I also hated the competitive nature with all the students trying to outdo each other. Luckily, I found a small group of other female students my age and we supported each other. They were my saving grace.
I made it through grad school successfully and found a full-time job at a research institute shortly after graduating. I loved it for a while. I co-authored numerous scientific papers and became involved with my community’s economic growth and development. I helped initiate a statewide program for minority college students in science, technology, mathematics, and engineering. I traveled the country and met people who respected and listened to me. Finally, I felt seen, heard, and valued. I decided to stay in the marriage. After all, we could finally afford our own home. I was still pretending that we could be fine as a family as long as we lived the American dream.
“Once I make the leap, I always land on my feet.”
The longer I was abstinent from the sugar and flour my body was allergic to, the more reality smacked me in the face. After a while I realized that I could no longer compromise myself by living the lie that was my marriage. I finally came to a place of inner strength and found the courage to leave. During the divorce, my husband did everything he could to get me to stay, but it was too late. I was not the same person. I was growing in a way that I felt he was not.
So I ventured off on my own for the first time in my life. It was incredibly freeing and exciting. My kids were moving towards their own independence so the timing felt right. I had started taking acting classes just for fun and developed a deep love for the theatre. I decided that I could combine that passion for the theatre with my MBA and find work in theatre arts administration. I had always wanted to live in NYC, so I applied for and was accepted into The Juilliard School’s Professional Intern Program as an administrative intern in 1997.
Moving to NYC changed the trajectory of my life. I didn’t know anyone in NYC, so it was a big leap into the unknown. I had only visited there once before, but I felt energized being there. Alive. It was literally electrifying. And it was the first time in my life that I was truly on my own. I didn’t feel alone though. I felt much more lonely in my marriage than I did living in Manhattan.
The nine-month internship flew by. After it ended, I realized that I couldn’t survive in NYC on the meager starting salary offered in theatre arts administration positions. So, I took acting classes, auditioned for theater, commercial and industrial jobs, and supported myself by cater-waitering and temping. I went full-throttle - doing whatever it took survive and be an actor. I also had to keep letting go of my ego that continually whispered to me, “You have an MBA - why the heck are you doing this type of work?” and "What will people think of me for throwing away all those years of study and experience?"
But I felt so free that I trusted my journey. I learned how to get around NYC on the subway. I worked in fabulous places and witnessed city life from a unique perspective. I was and still am always an observer. I've always been interested in how people think, why we make the decisions we do, what motivates and compels us. I met many fascinating people. I made friends. I auditioned regularly and took amazing classes from some of the best teachers in NYC. I had the luxury of attending all types of theatre and dance productions and Broadway shows on a regular basis.
The journey to my authentic self.
Thankfully, I was relatively successful as an actor. I say “relatively” because when I tell people that I was an actor in NYC, they invariably ask me, “Have I seen you in anything?” and “Were you on Broadway?” So no, I didn’t “make it” to Broadway or have any major roles in film or television, but I had a heck of a lot of fun doing improv, standup comedy, film, television, theatre, industrial, commercial, and commercial print work. Plus, it supplemented my income, but that was “icing on the cake” as the saying goes.
In retrospect, I believe that I held myself back from being truly successful out of a fear of being seen and heard. I still wasn’t comfortable being my authentic self. I was a bit self-conscious when it came to certain auditions. I was fabulous once I booked the job - it was the feeling judged part that was uncomfortable. Funnily, the rejection part wasn’t so hard once I learned not to take it personally. Fortunately, I continued to trust my path and grew tremendously as an actor, as well as in my spirituality.
I lived a life that many people dream only about. I easily found a job at a law firm that enabled me to live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan minutes away on foot from both Central Park and Riverside Park. I spent many, many glorious days exploring these magnificent parks. They felt like a little bit of heaven in the middle of the city. There were days where I felt like pinching myself.
And best of all, once I had made my decision to move to NYC, everything all fell into my lap. This move was my first experience and lesson in trusting my path and making courageous choices. I learned the value of taking risks. I was and still am to the day immensely grateful for these experiences.
The trials and tribulations of being a mother to adults.
My move also brought my son and daughter to NYC after they graduated university. Moving to NYC exposed them to the world in a whole way that also changed their lives’ trajectories. They each discovered themselves and found meaningful careers and relationships. They had so many opportunities, options, and experiences that have been incredibly valuable to them. Their being in NYC also enabled us to unite as a family and get to know each other as adults.
I had always encouraged them to explore, to try new things. They are both incredibly intelligent and independent individuals that didn’t need a lot of guidance, but I believe that in risking the solo move to NYC, I set an example for them that enabled them to seize the opportunity to “make it in NY” as well. The saying, “If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere” is actually true. I am so proud of them in so many ways.
However, I was still a long way off from removing that darn people-pleasing mask. I was still accommodating others at my own expense. Including my son and daughter. I still believed that everyone knew something I didn’t. That I needed to be perfect in order to be loved and accepted. I was my own slave-driver! I was repeating the patterns I learned as a child and I did not know how to break them. I tried my best to figure out why I did this but I could not yet see.
I was (and still am) a seeker, but at that time, I was still looking for God outside of myself. Whenever I eagerly shared information with my son and daughter about a new “teacher” I had discovered in my spiritual quest, they would tease me, saying that I had a new guru every month. That didn’t stop me from seeking. I knew that something was missing in my life - a deeper God connection. And I knew that if I looked long and hard enough that I would find it. I just didn’t know that I was looking for it in all the wrong places. I had completely forgotten the wisdom I had as a small child - that God is within us.
Spiritual initiation - dark night of the Soul.
They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and this is certainly the case for me. It ultimately became the engine for self-growth, self-ownership, self-love, self-belief, self-trust, and self-empowerment.
Most of my “gurus” turned out to be narcissistic and controlling. This is a familiar pattern that I repeated in the search for that loving authority figure that was absent from my life as a child. I felt a bit like that little bird in the story book that goes in search of the mother that was missing when he hatched, asking, "Are you my mother?" But I kept finding people who were "false lights." They seemed loving and concerned but turned out to be egotists who had no real interest in me or any of their other students. Actually, looking back, a couple of the acting teachers I studied with had that same mentality.
One of the spiritual "gurus" I was initially drawn to was particularly destructive. She cultivated a small group of clients and it became cult-like. She was controlling and manipulative in a sweet and scary way. I ignored my intuition and ignored what should have been huge red flags. I had no concept of, nor had I developed, any sense of discernment or self-trust. I was naive and gullible - a perfect “victim” for people who prey on trusting individuals. Lucky for me, I ended up getting thrown out because I couldn’t comply with her demands.
I generally always end up being forced out of situations like these. When I say I always land on my feet, it’s partly because someone upstairs is looking out for me and removes me from situations where I don’t belong. If I don’t make the choice for myself, then it is made for me. It feels truly painful at the time, but it always turns out to be a blessing.
However, back then I blamed, shamed, and punished myself for allowing myself to be lured into a harmful situation yet again. Then I discovered it was simply another lesson in discernment. And more importantly, I learned that I will never, ever put anyone on a pedestal again. NO MORE GURUS.
That experience was actually an initiation into my becoming the divine, powerful, and beautiful being I am today. I say that with great humility as I believe we are all beautiful and divine - we all have God within us. We are a reflection of God and can choose to mirror that divinity at any time.
The journey continues.
Using the tools of PSYCH-K, past life regression, and hypnotherapy, I’ve come into a new understanding of who I am - I see and own my true power, my sovereignty, my goodness, and so much more.
In my search for healing, I found the healing modalities that I currently use, as well as many more. I use them regularly to change and balance my beliefs, thoughts and emotions. All have been lifesavers for me. I feel that I’ve propelled a greater distance in the last five years using these healing processes than I have in the past 20 years using other modalities. It’s been like moving from the stairs to the elevator.
I also learned that my earlier quest for understanding other peoples’ behavior so that I could feel safe in the world has made me passionate about helping others who feel like I once did.
I believe that there is always room for self-growth and healing. I don’t feel that I’ll ever “arrive” at a place where I have it all figured out and I don’t want to. I love that about myself. I love being able to help others do the same. I love learning and sharing what I learn. I love being of service to others in a way that feels natural to me.
I’ve learned to love and use my voice in a way that helps heal others. I’ve come to appreciate and value my gentle nature and realize that being gentle doesn’t mean being weak. I love the community of other healers that I’ve bonded with and from whom I can keep learning and growing.
I’ve learned so much about myself in this journey. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved and accepted. I’ve learned that this is not a competition and there is no need to compare my journey with anyone else’s. I’ve learned to love and nurture that inner child that was still responding to life’s events as I did when I was younger. I’ve learned to forgive myself and others. I’ve learned about taking responsibility for my actions and not blaming others, not playing the victim. I am part of any equation in which I’m co-creating a situation or relationship, therefore, it’s my responsibility to own my part in it.
I’ve learned that I am stronger and more powerful than I could ever have imagined. I’ve discovered that I have made and continue to make bold moves and take risks beyond what I believed I was capable of. I’ve found that I am courageous and resilient. I’ve discovered that I am a powerful manifestor and how to use intention to manifest what I want and need.
I’ve come into a sense of sovereignty that was completely foreign to me even a couple of years ago. I’ve connected with my inner authority instead of believing that anyone outside of me knows more or is more correct than I am. And I can stand in my truth in a way I never did before. I can use my voice. And I’ve learned that I am loved, guided, and protected by God, my Soul, my Higher Self, and by Archangels and Angels.
Perhaps most importantly, I’m still developing incredible new skills and abilities that I never imagined I could have. I am seeing and owning my power and can’t wait to share these new skills and abilities with the world as I know that they offer value of a different sort - they can help transform our world and our universe for the better. This part of my journey is still unfolding.
I’ve come what feels like light years from my starting point. I feel that I’ve come home to myself in a whole new way of living, being, and thinking. The fact that I’m still discovering my potential makes me hugely grateful and excited about who I am and what I can bring to the world. I’ve always known I had a mission in life. In discovering that I am what has been termed a “lightworker,” I have expanded my awareness and understanding of that mission and purpose and how I can use myself to bring light and love to others and facilitate their healing process.
I believe that it’s an honor as well as a responsibility to be able to help others on their healing journeys. I can finally and honestly say that I love and trust myself - that I can see and know the God within me and allow myself to be a light to help guide others back to discover and own the light within themselves.
The journey is never-ending.
It’s amazing how much can change in one short year! I moved to Arizona from New York in the Fall of 2021, then to Tennessee and Kentucky in 2024 when I acknowledged that the desert isn’t for me. Green trees and grass heal my Soul.
It was in Arizona though that I began the PhD portion of my healing and healer work. There is no “arriving” as the work gets more challenging the more I grow. The more I learn, the more I realize there is so much more to know, and always more healing to be done. After all, part of what we came to this earth plane to do was release all of the emotions and burdens that keep us weighted down. All it takes is commitment to self and to community. The more we grow, the more we raise the frequency of the entire planet.
I’ve been able to truly make self-care (which is NOT the same as being selfish, by the way) a priority. I’m sure you’ve heard the metaphor about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first…well, it’s true. I’m of no use to anyone if I’m not at my best.
In the process, I’ve become more authentic than I was before - mask off! No more acting and people-pleasing. I’m allowing myself to be me. I’m grateful and blessed that I have more self-healing tools than most people and even more blessed that I can use them to help my community.
I’ve also discovered that I am a courageous adventurer. I’ve recently moved to another home in Arizona that feels like a step up in vibration. I’m looking forward to continued healing, overcoming challenges that facilitate growth, meeting new people, and continuing to create the world I want to live in while I help others do the same.
I’ve also grown in my abilities such that I can better help facilitate other peoples’ healings. My intuition and psychic abilities are enhanced as well. And as self-love and self-acceptance continues to grow, the more love and compassion I have for others. It’s this empathic ability that enables me to tune in to what others are feeling and what they need.
And so as the journey continues, I embrace the future and being of service to others who are treading the healing path, and I’m grateful that I’ve been blessed with the ability to be of assistance.